Dispatches from the Eccentric Frontier

Every year, the arrival of Xmas™ Muzak® marks the beginning of holiday-frenzy season, when perfectly good Christmas carols are placed on repeat play because some marketer somewhere thinks it enhances holiday mood and encourages people to spend more money, even if it wrings the last drops of sentiment out of the assocations with the tunes. This is the time of year when I am careful to carry a music player and headphones into any public venue where I might encounter said muzak, lest there be a repeat of the Spam Incident.

The Spam Incident was a revelation I had one night in a Lucky’s while I was shopping with obsessivewoman. We were going down an aisle while I attempted to remain patient with the latest repetition of “Jingle Bells”, and suddenly I understood:

Spam® is the spirit of Xmas™.

After all, Spam® came in small tins suitable for stocking-stuffers, large tins that could be wrapped as presents! It all made sense. I explained this to my darling as I began filling the shopping cart with tins of Spam®, but before I had gotten very far, she made me put them back and go out and wait in the car until she was done shopping.

Ever since then, I am careful to have headphones with me during the holiday season so I can override the muzak as needed. And if ever I rule the world, I will make a rule that Christmas carol tunes may only be performed in public by live singers, violations punishable by being placed in the stocks at the entrances to shopping malls and pelted with expired fruitcake.